I have found myself at the Boulder Bookstore Cafe on this relaxed Saturday afternoon. Relaxation starts at a whole new level these days. The baseline has shifted. Dennis is working today, and that means it is me and Pedie out on the town. It can be tough. But as long as it is taken in stride… it is no problemo. While Pedie was sleeping I got all of our bags together… my Harrison’s, computer, purse and phone. Then comes Pedie’s treasures… her bottle, wipes, diapers, blanket, fav toy, formula… I looked in the can and there wasn’t enough for her next bottle. Boo. This meant an extra stop at the store on the way. No sweat. Then the drive to Boulder. Found a spot! Mixed the bottle in the car, then grabbed our obscene amount of bags and the Pedie Pot Pie and headed down the street. Got a great table and a soy chai.. and fed the Pedster. She usually just hangs out and stares at people… kinda like her mama. She finished her bottle and then came the need for a change of diapers.. somewhat of a disaster… I forgot a change of clothes for her today. So my calm afternoon ended up with poo all over it.. so I improvised. Used a wipe to clean the spots on her clothes and stayed at the coffee shop. After a bit of people watching and fussing for a bit (her tired fuss) I didn’t freak, but put her in her car seat and rocked her to sleep. Now she is sleeping soundly next to me and I am able to write this blog. Oh Pedie Pie. I say these things because I know of some folks who at many times during these couple hours would have freaked out, picked up their stuff and just gone home. I think… just chill.
Sometimes I don’t even realize all the work that goes into simple activities… because I don’t focus on it… I don’t dwell on it, never really have. I just get them done. That might be the only reason that I made it through med school…. and there were times when I didn’t do it very well. I could see the times that invite stress and anxiety, and being a parent just reminds me to smile and make it into a positive situation…. that has made ALL of the difference. Pedie is a happy baby… we don’t overreact (like I think so many parents do) and I feel as though babies are reactionary entities… I’m not saying we are perfect, just observations from this humble position. What a HUMBLE position it is… you at the mercy of so much… so many emotions, so much responsibility. I am not trying to be critical… I am just hoping that future parents can find a source of good energy in their love… as well as all parents. I actually SEE the love we give Pedie reflect in her eyes, her smile, her progress.
Life is woven in such a way to let in so much beauty if you can only see it and hold on to it… remember to look at it in hard times. It is fleeting and can be taken anytime. I remembered this as I gazed upon my grandmother at her funeral service a couple weeks ago. The service happened to be on my birthday… a connection that will now be with me forever. It is something no one else shares with her. Her hair was done just as I remember, her beautiful suit dress. Her nails were painted a bright red… which brought back so many memories of being a little girl myself, playing in her bedroom and wanting to be so grown up. I sat in her chair in front of her mirror… her white laced table cloth perfectly centered on the vanity. Her fingernail polishes lined up so neatly… including the bright red. So elegant, simple and inspiring to me. I now see my daughter and wonder what memories she will have of her grandparents… of me.
Her death wasn’t easy… I wasn’t there, but I listened to the stories, speechless. Usually it is easy to say, “I’m sure she found peace” but I am afraid that, from what I heard, she didn’t. She fought for every breath up until the end. From the symptoms, it sounds as though it was a small cell lung cancer which is VERY aggressive. Most of the time patients do not even know they have it until they begin to have mental changes from metastases to the brain. Once it is found (with mets) they usually are only given 6-14 weeks. It spreads very fast and is hard to control. Her daughter, my aunt, did an AMAZING job with her… and even though she may have been fighting for each breath… I am sure there is NO other place in the world she would have wanted to take her last ones. On many occasions, I have seen the way my grandmother would gaze at my aunt, with so much love and pride…. as she did to all of her children. Everyone will pass of something… we can’t escape it. What memories will we leave those who love us?? Will they remember us for our smiles? Or our angry words? It is our choice right now. Take it. Mold it. Make it your own. Breathe in the stress, hold it… hold it… another second… you can do it… and now… blow it out. Blow it out of your memory, out of your consciousness. Don’t infect those around you with it, don’t let that be the memory.
“It’s very clear… our love is here to stay.”
The last time I was with my grandmother… at my baby shower Aug 08
