I always question myself before I post somewhat melancholy blogs such as this. Most blogs are full of great news, photos, smiles and life… as they should be. But there are days… and most of the time, not even whole days, sometimes just hours, or maybe even minutes, where life digs in and reality becomes too real.
Today has really been an ‘externally’ awful day. By ‘externally’ I really mean because of things beyond my control, things that really don’t have to do with me personally, but they effect me and pull on my spirit.. they pull on it with an unrelenting force.
[As far as 'internally' things are great... Dennis and I are incredibly happy together, we are loved by the greatest family and friends... and we are getting to where we want to go... slowly.]
Maybe it is in this slow journey that I am ill-at-ease… this journey has brought me to Watertown NY. A place I didn’t even know existed until a year ago when I was somewhat placed here by our school’s lottery. The only thing that has kept us alive here in this very strange place is each other, my small group of med students and folks in medical education, the doctors that I work with, and the family we have made at South Jefferson Rescue.
It’s not that I was looking for a big city or flashy lights or anything fancy… I am a pseudo-small town kinda gal… about 60,000 people does me good (and Watertown is just about 27,000). I have lived all over the country the southwest, midwest, and out east in smaller towns and bigger cities. This has been the first place that consistently breaks my heart.
The people here… it’s the people. There is this harshness that is mixed with confusion, despair, loneliness, and a wanting to belong. But most of their faces say, “Ya, belong to what?” It is a negativity that can seep deep into the bone marrow and make each new cell that is supposed to nourish your body, just a little more desperate to search out positivity.
To add a whole other element, there is a very, very large Army base here… one of the biggest in the country, I believe. Fort Drum. But that it a whole other story, even without the Army base involved… it is a sad place in so much despair.
The people here have an emptiness behind their eyes… it is a look found in the children, the parents, the majority of the population. I can’t tell if it is the town affecting the people or the other way around. The town has it’s problems too, and brings out frustration amongst it’s inhabitants.. huge potholes on EVERY road (not an exaggeration) and anyone who drives knows how frustrating it can be to hit pothole after pothole (most of them are on average 4-6 inches deep). There is perpetual construction, and not the type that we all complain about.. I know that every town feels as though there is always something… but here it is on every road, every corner and very chaotic. So even when people are driving, they are mad, frustrated and selfish. I see more construction workers standing around then doing actual work… so it will be like this for years to come. As I have heard it HAS been like this already for years and years. The buildings downtown in the square are mostly empty… even the ones that are open for business are empty.
There is a little indoor mall type area downtown called The Arcade… it looks like it might have had some potential at one point there is a little Tavern, that is always empty and the owner just sitting in the window, waiting. A coffee shop, that serves not-so-good coffee, and is usually empty. A bike store that is never open. A lunch place, that is usually empty… and then this weird little barber and beauty shop… Dennis and I have ventured there a couple times for haircuts… and it is the one place that I enjoy the people. The women working there have been for years and years it seems and their customers consist of women older than 65 who come in for a hair color and a perm… one lady in particular was wearing her old horn-rimmed glasses from the 50’s and was wearing an outfit from the same era… she must have been at least 70. This little shop is almost oblivious to the deterioration of the town around them.
The pain… the pain in this town cuts deep and I believe it cuts anyone deep who is paying attention. The couples that don’t speak, the kids that seem neglected and just brushed aside…. I believe the incident that started all of this off this morning was the couple below us…
A young couple, maybe in their late teens, early 20’s. Married with a pretty new little baby. We have had to call the police a few times because of the yelling that we hear coming from downstairs. They can both yell pretty darn loud, but his voice… his voice carries, and really strikes a cord with me. I would say it’s one of the worst noises and feelings to wake up to. It started at 4am this morning, usually it’s at around midnight on a weekend.. but I have a feeling things have been getting worse between them. We have called the police 3 times when we believed that a life actually might be in danger… but not much happens. It quiets them down instantly… but it always happens again. No one else can hear it, because the laundry room is beside them and we are directly above. So this morning it was more curse words… anger, and a situation so tangled there is no way out it seems. He also made an even better performance with breaking a beer bottle outside the window and yelling. So….
despair. Emptiness. Hopelessness. These words spin around and around in my head as I look into the eyes of the people in this town. Their pride is gone.
As a learning doctor here, we try to educate them on healthy lifestyles, better ways to eat and live…. and many times I get the response… ‘Why? Even healthy people get sick and die.” Yes… true. But I seem to think there is greater happiness in life when one can go outside and smell the grass, the flowers, enjoy the sunshine … as opposed to living in your house, car, and job… and that’s it. And they do!!! They live in their cars too! Dennis and I have commented on many many occasions where we have pulled into a parking space at Panera, or Target or even downtown and to either side of us there are people just sitting in their cars… talking, reading, eating, smoking. Even these beautiful 70 degree days! And there is always a line of cars wrapped around McDonald’s, Taco Bell and Arby’s. Their weight goes up, their health goes down and their relationships and lives crumble into a mess that becomes too far gone to fix.
I believe that the Army adds a whole other dimension of despair on top of an already floundering town. There are pregnant women whose husbands are in Iraq… most of them very young, there are soldiers back from Iraq who are very mixed up, have PTSD but no solid governmental support. A physician was telling me that the police here have come to an understanding that some of the returning soldiers will drive recklessly or excessively fast because of past experiences in the war… if someone who might be a threat is in the road in front of you in Iraq, you drive faster and go through them, or around them. So that is a real problem here too.
The funny thing is … as the summer has blossomed here… I have noticed a few things. The contrast. In the winter all was barren… the trees were sticks and you could see the incredibly dilapidated trailer homes off the road in the woods, the abandoned houses, the homeless walking in the cold, the native Watertown folks were the only ones at the stores, all of the ‘fun’ or nice businesses were closed for the winter. But now in the summer, it is like a magic trick.. SNAP… as all the thick, thick dense forests of trees fill in, the dilapidated trailers disappear in the thick, fresh, green leaves. The flowers bloom and you would never know that hidden in the beautiful scenery are abandoned cars, piles of trash, old tires… the people also fill in too. Since Lake Ontario is only 8 or so miles away, many folks vacation here for the summer. They bring their fancy cars, their fake tans, their boats and their money here… and all of a sudden the despairing native Watertown folks disappear.. they fade into the background as the tourist shops open up, the nicer restaurants, the docks for the boats….
Maybe you would come to Watertown and not notice these things… but I am someone who is affected by those around me.. and not that I must have everyone be happy and smiling all the time, but usually I see and feel depth and perseverance, even people who aren’t the nicest.. I can see when they try, when they are working towards something. But here… most everyone has given up… and this affects me more than I ever thought possible.
I wanted to write this blog as a reminder for myself… a reminder to continue striving for a positive outlook, even when everyone around you can’t see it and thinks you are strange for doing so. To remember the struggle that goes on in more American towns then we realize.. and it is a deep struggle, not one that can be fixed easily.
Mother Teresa always said that the poverty of the rich countries is MUCH deeper.. you can give bread to those who are hungry, clothes to those who are naked and you have fixed some of their problem.. but loneliness, the loneliness of the rich countries runs much much deeper. It is not so easy to fix.
It’s pretty sad when we hope to be “busy” either at the hospital or ambulance… really we don’t mean any harm!
